The Sweetheart Robber

A man walks into a Macy’s wearing a cashmere sweater, khakis and a ski mask.

ROBBER
Hi everyone, I’m sorry to be “that guy” but I’m going to have to respectfully ask everyone to get on the ground. Oh, and if you wouldn’t mind putting your hands on your head. Thanks!

Customers look at each other, shrug, and do as he says. The Robber walks up to the person at the counter with his gun drawn to their head.

ROBBER
Hi, I don’t mean to inconvenience you, but it would mean a lot if you could grab me your finest bath towel collection, Mr….I’m sorry – I’m not wearing my glasses!

CASHIER
Mr. Charles.

ROBBER
Ah! Mr. Charles. Thanks. I’m Jerry. You have it in the floral pattern, right?

As the cashier nods yes, a woman opens the door and looks shocked upon entering the store. The robber still has his gun drawn to the cashier’s head.

ROBBER
Hi ma’am. Sorry to hold you up, but I’m well, holding this guy up! You can just take a seat over there behind these lovely folks. Shouldn’t be long.
Woman confusingly sits.

ROBBER
Speaking of which, how ’bout ya get movin’ on those towels, Mr. Charles!

Robber shoots his gun in the air and people freak out.

CASHIER
Please don’t hurt me!

ROBBER
Ha! I’m just bustin’ your chops, fella! Please feel free to take your time.

The Robber’s cell phone rings as the cashier goes to get the towels.

ROBBER
Hi sweetie. Yeah, I’m just robbing the Macy’s on Jefferson…Going well! Great people here. Mr. Charles is the cashier. Yeah! He’s a sweetheart. How’s it coming, Mr. Charles?

CASHIER
I’ll be right over, sir!

ROBBER
Ah, thank you muchly.

ROBBER (BACK ON PHONE)
Ok…ok…I don’t know, I thought you liked the floral patterns. It goes well with the theme we already have…No, no, it’s fine! Will do! Love you, muffin.
As the Robber puts his phone in his pocket, a man with a ski mask and an LL Bean fleece pullover comes in with a gun.

ROBBER 2
Alright everyone, sorry to be a bother, but…wait a second! It can’t be! Jerry?

Robber 1 lifts his ski masks with a playful smile.

ROBBER
What gave it away, the cardigan?

The two have a laugh and give each other a firm handshake.

ROBBER 2
Wow-ee, who-duh thunk? Us robbing the same Macy’s at the same time!

ROBBER
Great minds think alike. Or at least old ones.

The two share a laugh.

ROBBER 2
Well, hey, what’s new? How’s Cheryl?

ROBBER
She’s doin’ great! Got me luggin’ home an ottoman later. But I guess that’s nothin’ new! And how are you and the kids?

ROBBER 2
Gee, Charlie’s getting right to that age where he –

A man in the corner rushes up and tries to attack the robbers.

ROBBER
Oh, hold on just one second.

The Robber shoots the guy in the chest. Blood splatters everywhere. The guy starts screaming and falls to the ground.

ROBBER
Please forgive me, everyone. I should’ve mentioned to not be a hero! My fault. Sorry for this darn mess, Mr. Charles.

The man groans loudly.

ROBBER 2
Kids these days. You know what, this Macy’s is all yours, buddy. I’m just gonna hit the old dusty trail. Tracy nagged me pretty hard after staying out late to rob the JC Penney last night.

ROBBER
Oh, brother. I hear ya. Well, hey, brewski on me soon, okay?

ROBBER 2
You know I can’t turn that down, Jer!

Robber 1 pats Robber 2 on the back as Robber 2 walks out. Police sirens are outside with flashing blue lights.

ROBBER
Mr. Charles, you rascal! You alerted the cops, didn’t cha?

CASHIER
Well, I, uh…

Robber shoots the Cashier. Then, grabs a grenade out of his backpack. Robber throws grenade out the window to the sound of a huge explosion.

ROBBER
Have a bless-ed day everyone!