The Juice Snobs

A group of 7-year-old children are sitting around a kitchen table. They each have their own little cups with a few bottles of juice in the middle.

TIMMY
Thanks for coming, everyone. I’m glad to finally host a juice bottle share. Looks like you all brought some killer pours. Who wants to go first?

SAMANTHA
Well, let me tell you, I can’t wait to crack this triple-berry brewed malt grape juice from Rustic Vine Juicery.

Some oohs and ahhs are made as she pours the grape juice into the cups.

TIMMY
Wow, look at the head on that.

The children start to examine the juice.

CHARLIE
Looks like it’s pouring a mostly opaque, bright purple.
Samantha sniffs it.

SAMANTHA
I can definitely sense some floral notes. Wow, very strong grape aroma.

A kid in the corner is taking a sip.

TIMMY
Oh, I forgot to mention, I invited my buddy from back in pre-k, Mikey. Mikey, what are your thoughts?

MIKEY
Umm…kinda just tastes like grape juice to me.
The group laughs.

TIMMY
I should add that Mikey isn’t exactly well “acclimated” to the craft juice scene. What are you again, a Welch’s guy?

The group laughs again.

MIKEY
After a long day on the playground, it’s refreshing…what can I say.

The group scoffs.

TIMMY
Anyways, Charlie, what did you bring?

CHARLIE
Me and my playmate David went on a little juicery tour in Vermont and I brought back this little number. You may have heard of Cherry Tree Farmstead?

Samantha looks at the bottle in amazement.

SAMANTHA
Oh, no way. How’d you get your hands on the Double Mocha Coffee Bourbon Barrel Cherry Stout?

CHARLIE
My mommy dropped us off in the morning of the bottle release. We weren’t sure if getting in line nine hours beforehand would be early enough but we got our hands on the last few bottles.

Charlie pours some for the group.

MIKEY
You seriously waited nine hours for this?

CHARLIE
Well, I was able to fit in a few naps, but yes. This is a highly sought-after bottle.

MIKEY
Jeez, it seems like every craft juice is a big deal these days.

TIMMY
Well, it’s worth it Mikey. Cherry Tree Farmstead collaborated with a local Toys R Us on this batch.

MIKEY
That doesn’t even make sense. Why would you collaborate with someone that has no affiliation with juice?

CHARLIE
You have a lot to learn, Mikey…

TIMMY
Alright back to the Double Mocha Coffee Bourbon Barrel Sour Cherry Porter.

SAMANTHA
You mean stout.

TIMMY
Right! Duh. This must have a high ABV or something!
The group laughs.

CHARLIE
Well, Mikey, you have to admit this is a little better than Minute Maid.

SAMANTHA
More like Minute Cheaply Made.

The group laughs as Mikey takes a sip.

Mikey
You know what? Actually it doesn’t. This juice has so many things going on with it that I don’t even know if it counts as juice anymore. In fact, it’s annoying little juice snobs like you that ruin something that’s universally enjoyed. I get it, nobody wanted to play in the sandbox with you so you tried to find something you could be mean about. But guess what? Your moment in the sun is over. By the time 5th grade rolls along, the bubble will be burst and you’ll have to find something else to be pretentious about. I’m out of here. I’m going to ride my tricycle home and enjoy this refreshing Minute Maid orange juice.

Mikey drives away on his tricycle. The group looks around speechless for a few seconds.

TIMMY
Wow, I feel kind of bad.
CHARLIE
Maybe he does have a point, you know. I mean how long can we really hold on to this craft juice craze?

SAMANTHA
I don’t know. All I know is, I’m really hungry. I can ask my mom to get us some pizza.

TIMMY
Ooh! I’ve heard great things about this craft pizza joint that serves Neapolitan personal pan pizza out of a 600-degree wood stove oven.

CHARLIE
Is it artisanal, using local ingredients?

TIMMY
You bet!

The entire group rushes to the back door of the house, knocking over their juice glasses in the process.