Airbud Halftime Speech

INT. HIGH SCHOOL LOCKER ROOM.
A coach is furiously scribbling on the chalkboard as his players, sweating and catching their breath, look on. The coach turns around and points to the chalkboard, which reads “YOU ARE LOSING TO A DOG.”

HEAD COACH
You. Are. Losing. To. A. Dog!

The players stare at the coach in a moment of silence.

HEAD COACH
The thing doesn’t even have thumbs! Yet he has 33 points at halftime! How is this happening?

PLAYER 1
He’s really good, coach.

PLAYER 2
Yeah, my dog can’t even poop outside.

COACH
Why do I have to reiterate this? A golden retriever is single-handedly beating you at a game of basketball.

PLAYER 3
Coach, we’re trying but…he’s so cute. He’s a really good boy!

PLAYER 1
For real, he’s got cool little sneakers, too. And just look at the way he wags his tail after he dunks!

HEAD COACH
I can’t believe this. Coach Robbins, what do you got?
Assistant coach is in the corner thumbing through his notes.

ASSISTANT COACH
I looked through the rule book. And it doesn’t say anything about dogs.

HEAD COACH
Okay, well, what about the scouting report. Did you really not know we were playing against a goddamn dog?

ASSISTANT COACH
This seems to be his debut. I’m assuming that kid who’s throwing him the alley-oops is the one who brought him.

HEAD COACH
Right. The kid…maybe we could get him in foul trouble. Really mess with their chemistry, you know? But still, there has to be something about the way a dog plays basketball that…you know, that if a HUMAN did it, it would be illegal. You know what I mean? Like, are humans allowed to dribble with their noses?
The room gets silent as the coaches and players sit and ponder.

PLAYER 2
I heard he plays football, too. A wide retriever, if you will.

HEAD COACH
We don’t have time for puns! We’re losing to a dog! I still can’t believe I’m saying this!

PLAYER 3
Say we end up losing to the dog. Let’s just look at it from the perspective of a story. Like a feel-good story. I mean, imagine that. I hear their home town could really use an uplifting moment.

HEAD COACH
No, we’re not going to let them win! And no, it wouldn’t make for a good story, at all! It’s not even a believable premise!

PLAYER 1
Now that I think about it, we really do need to win this. I could lose my college scholarship if my coach finds out I lose to a freaking dog.

PLAYER 2
After I fouled the dog, my girlfriend looked at me in the eyes and made a stabbing motion with her hands. She has a major anger problem. And a really big knife.

PLAYER 3
Yeah, forget the feel good story aspect. It’s not going to feel good for me when I get home to my parents. They said if we lose they’re going to have a retroactive abortion.

HEAD COACH
Oh, god. Well there has to be something we can do to beat this dog.

ASSISTANT COACH
What if we pretended to be cats?

HEAD COACH
What? Pretended to be cats?

ASSISTANT COACH
You know, get in the dog’s head a little.
The Head Coach thinks for a moment before a wry smile unfolds on his face.

HEAD COACH
Yes…yes! That’s it! He’ll be completely distracted. Boys, can you pretend to be cats?
The players simultaneously begin meowing, purring, screeching and walking on all fours.

HEAD COACH
Yes. Nicely done. Now let’s just let it translate to the court. And like I said, we just need to remember one thing. It’s just a dog!

ALL PLAYERS (CHANTING)
It’s-just-a-dog!

HEAD COACH
It’s-just-a-dog!

ALL PLAYERS (CHANTING)
It’s-just-a-dog!

EVERYONE IN UNISON
Yeah!!!

HEAD COACH
Go get em, boys!

The players run inspiredly run out of the locker room, giving high-fives to the head coach along the way.

CUT TO A CLOSE-UP OF A NEWSPAPER CLIP

A newspaper headline says “Area Dog Leads Way To 125-32 Beatdown”

Headline of newspaper column to the right says “Cat Imitation Proves To Be Poor Tactic”

Cut to a garage where the coach, who is still wearing his coaching outfit, is attaching a hose to the exhaust pipe of his car. He lets out a big exhale and walks inside the car and closes the door.